Interview with Lahoma

This past Sunday, I attended a surprise birthday party for my friend Stefanie who is turning 30. Unlike many surprise parties where the honouree is totally clued into what is going on, Stef showed up and backed out of the party room thinking that she had ruined someone else's party. Totally shocked!

Good times ensued as the party got underway and I found myself in a circle of some very interesting people including Alison, Esther, Richard, the party photographer, and Lahoma.

As usual, conversation subject staple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, came up at which point Lahoma referred to KH as Tom's beard. There are two issues that need to be examined here; people you will believe no matter what they say, and the term "beard". Let's start with the first.

Have you ever met a person who you blindly believe no matter what they say? Well, Lahoma is one of them. Richard Blain and I noted that if she had told us the world was flat we would have simply nodded, tilted our head sideways, and said "is that so"? Some people possess a quality that allows others to throw questionability out the window, and Lahoma is one of them. There are situations where people have stated something as fact and I roll my eyes while thinking they're a big know-it-all. More importantly, I don't believe them.

In Lahoma's case, I felt as though I was speaking with the Dali Lama as she delivered news of TomKat with a calm finesse fit for someone who has eight degrees from Harvard. What is it with people who have that "je ne sais quoi" in believability? I've narrowed it down to a few characteristics:

Delivery

Tone of voice

Body language

X-Factor

I can't help you with the X-factor. Some people have it, most people don't. If you have any theories, I would love your feedback.

On to my second second point, the term "beard" which is, as defined by the Urban Dictionary (and Lahoma):

"A common word used to address a homosexual's female friend who he takes around town; he normally calls this companion his "girlfriend" to prove to the world that he is a masculine, football watching, titty grabbing heterosexual male. Although, he may think that this so called 'image' is working, he's actually fooling himself. It's completely obvious to on-lookers that he is a flamboyant homo. Gayer than a chihuahua in pink shades.

Here are some warning signs that you may be a beard...

1. He wears more makeup than you.
2. He looks fucking FIERCE in pictures 'cause he smiles wit' his eyes.
3. Uses bronzer as blush
4. Plucks his own eyebrows and his eyebrows look more groomed than yours.
5. Stands with hands on his hips.

Who the hell does Gayfron think that he is fooling? We all know that Vanessa Hudgens is his beard.

Though I can understand why a gay male would want a female beard, I wondered how the beard herself benefits from the arrangement. There is a book by James Frey called "Bright Shiny Morning" about people living in Los Angeles. A set of characters is a gay male and his beard (who is actually also gay) who co-exist happily as best friends, shielding their sexuality through a mutually beneficial agreement by which they pretend to be married in order to protect their careers. The couple are clearly companions as are TomKat, but the later couple differs because we can safely assume that Katie Holmes is not gay. Setting money aside, what does KH get from her "relationship" with Tom Cruise? Her career has hardly catapulted and she is constantly hounded by the media, her relationship questioned, and privacy is something void from her life.

While it's easy to see how a "face" like Tom benefits from the relationship, what's in it for the "beard"?

Would they really do it for the money?

Is a beard needed in a non-celebrity setting where the repercussions from coming out would be less severe?

By the way, according to Lahoma, other suspected beards and their fake husbands:
 

Kelly Preston & John Travolta

Stedman Graham & Oprah Winfrey

George Clooney & Waitress # 1089

Word on the Street

My sweet ride, The Bike, was recently tuned and consequently I’ve been peddling madly all over town. It is actually faster to bike in Toronto than take the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission), and though you have to dodge streetcars and crazy drivers it is my favourite way of traveling.

Yesterday, on a biking adventure to visit my niece Emma, I noticed some very interesting streets which made me ponder the naming process. After doing some research I’ve discovered that there is a lot more to street names than meets the eye. It seems that many history books geared towards a city’s past focuses at least a section to street naming history.

According to University of Haifa student Yoram Bar-Gal, “two important factors characterized the history of naming streets in Tel-Aviv: the decision-makers and the principles that guided them”. Bar-Gal goes onto explain that city officials in Tel-Aviv wanted to culturally differentiate their city from Jaffa and this underlying principal was the guiding force in choosing names. The article “Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947” provides some great insight into the fact that “political and historical processes” and cultural characteristics play a huge role in city planning and street names. I suppose this makes sense as great people, fallen heroes, and notable historical events are often honoured with their own streets.

As a native Montrealer, I can attest to the fact that culture and history were combined with religion to make way for the hundreds of “Saint-Somthing” streets. Most people of French and Irish lineage are Catholic and since these two ethnicities make up a large percentage of Montreal’s inhabitants the downtown core is riddled with religious undertones; Saint Catherine, St. Jacques, St. Laurent, St. Denis, and so on. It’s amazing the Montreal is known as Canada’s Sin City – shocking that Montrealers feel at ease doing anything “bad” with all those saints breathing down their neck.

One of the articles I read online summarizes the history of street naming in North America quite well. Here are some interesting points:

• Early on, streets were named after landmarks (Church, Canal), geographical attributes (North, Hill), and important people (King, Queen)
• A shift to naming streets after nature later took place (trees, flowers, etc).
• Surnames then became widely used (sometimes after the people who developed the area)
• Around 1880 streets were replaced with avenues
• An architectural revolution in the early 1900’s made way for eloquent boulevards, monuments, vistas, and colonnades
• After WWI when cars became more widely used avenue was replaced with drive. Suburbia was sought after by most people and suffixes such as “land” and “wood” were often used.
• Over the later half of the 1900’s personal names, famous colleges and universities, and English counties were used as inspiration in naming streets.

All this being said, I have a top 5 list of street names I’ve seen here in Toronto. In no particular order:

1.) Don Jail Roadway
2.) Ladykirk Avenue
3.) Avenue Road
4.) McGee Street (those of you who know about my love for the term “Tubs McGee” will appreciate this one)
5.) Strange Street

I found a funny site online with the weirdest street names. Here are some of my favourites:

1.) Little Schmuck Road
2.) Liquid Loco Road
3.) Farfrompoopen Road
4.) Cannibal Lane
5.) Turkey Cock Lane

What are some of the best street names you’ve seen? Do you feel that certain limitations should be applied to choosing a name (length of character, controversial people, etc)?

If you’re interested in reading more, here are some of the articles I read:

Toronto Street Names: An Illustrated Guide to Their Origins (Firefly Books, ISBN: 1552093867)

History of Street Names and Street Naming in North America (http://potifos.com/streetname.html)

Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947 (Springer Netherlands, ISSN: 0147-1694 (Print) 1876-5165 (Online)

What kind of prisoner would you be?

Today on a leisurely lunchtime walk with two co-workers the topic of prison came up. I think we were talking about sitting through an episode of "Two and a Half Men".

We explored the idea of becoming a prisoner ourselves which is actually something I had previously considered after watching a movie called The Reader, starring Kate Winslet whose character has an affair with a teenage boy. Though the relationship later ends, the two are ironically reunited when the young man, who is studying to be a lawyer, attends the trial of a woman who is subsequently convicted of war crimes relating to her time as a concentration camp guard in World War II. Of course, the woman convicted is Winslet's character who goes to prison and learns how to read. For the years leading up to her death, the woman becomes educated and enriched through books checked out at the prison library.

Another interesting story related to time spent in prison was through a special report on Oprah. Selected convicts were invited to take part in a program aimed at rehabilitating prisoners by allowing them to take care puppies that would later be trained to become a Seeing Eye dog. These men spend their days in jail fostering dogs and taking care of their every need; food, water, grooming, etc. Seems like a lovely way to "do your time" if you ask me.

http://www.puppiesbehindbars.com/about.asp

Anyway, what would you do if you were in prison? Let's say you're in the slammer for some sort of crazy string of unpaid parking tickets and it's not maximum security so you're free to drop your soap in the shower without fear.

My co-worker Carly said she's be more than happy to study medicine in the hopes of becoming a doctor upon her release.

Stephanie, we decided, would probably be so shell shocked that she's most likely go into her own imaginary world where her ability to speak and communicate would be lost.

As for myself, I think it would be a good opportunity to brush up on my skills because Lord knows it won't be easy to find employment after ticking that "have you ever been to jail" box on a job application. It might be nice to learn Mandarin or Arabic. Perhaps a University degree though correspondence in sociology or psychology because I wouldn't waste my money doing that on my own dime. Let the tax payers pick up the bill! Of course I would read a ton and maybe even take up meditation to cope with the anxiety of prison life. It actually doesn't sound too bad being in prison, does it?

What would you do? Would you be the kind of prisoner who freaks out and loses their marbles? Perhaps you would use your time to be productive? Or would you just plain chill and take it a day at time?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Tournament of Vegetables

Thanks to Megan Shram for sending me this somewhat contentious article on onions vs. potatoes from The National Post.

Based on points of accessibility, versatility, flavour, and health, which veggie do you think took the gold?

Read below for Alison Broverman's facscinating article:

=====

By Alison Broverman


For our final round, we went to Anthony Walsh, executive chef of Canoe. Says Walsh: “If I was asked, blind, to name the three cornerstones of my kitchen, potatoes and onions are both on that short list. I use them both constantly. It’s a tough choice, but I probably lean towards onion. If I was cooking for, say, Gordon Ramsay and could only use one vegetable, I think I can do more with an onion.”

And here we go... Potato vs Onion


POTATO
This tough tuber has come a long way, standing firm against carrot, sweet potato and beet to represent Roots and Tubers. In previous rounds, chefs Sharon Bergey and Christopher Perera couldn’t imagine their kitchens with the potato, and last week, Fresh’s Jennifer Houston demonstrated the potato’s more nutritious side and chose the spud over its leafy competitor, the cabbage. But will the potato cry tears of shame against its potent opponent, the onion?
Accessibility: “They can be stored forever as long as you keep them in the dark, dry and cold. We generally stock six or seven types of potatoes, from three different potato suppliers, but some types of potatoes aren’t as readily available for Joe Grocery Shopper. I’m always amazed at the crap they sometimes sell at some grocery stores: potatoes should be dirty and hard. You’re usually better off buying potatoes at farmer’s markets.” ★★★
Versatility: “The versatility is definitely there: I’ve done elements of desserts with potatoes, and you can serve them any which way for any course. I serve them hot, cold, fried, in soups, or just the skins. There are massive texture and flavour variants. The only thing I haven’t yet tried is making my own vodka, but I’d like to give it a shot.” ★★★★
Flavour: “It’s so basic — you can pull a lot of different flavours out of a potato depending on how you prepare it, but by itself…. There’s not a lot of flavour without horsing around with the potato.” ★★★
Health: Urban legend has it that a person can get all their necessary nutrients by eating only potatoes and milk (though why anyone would want to remains a mystery). But with 95% of its nutrients in and immediately under the skin, the potato’s health benefits are easily peeled away. And French fries don’t count as a serving of vegetables according to most nutritionists. ★★★



ONION
Dubbed “the king of the vegetables” early on by chef Jason Bangerter, and “the workhorse of the kitchen” by chef Donna Dooher, the onion has left a trail of tears in its path to victory. In last week’s semi-final, Anna Olson opted for onion as her “desert island” veggie. But how will the onion fare against the crowd-pleasing potato?
Accessibility: “The best ones are found locally, and there’s plenty of local variety: red, white, shallots, buttons, and more. We always try to stay as local as we can at Canoe. But onions store quite well, and you can get them pretty well year-round. When choosing an onion, you want them to be tight and hard as a rock.” ★★★
Versatility: “At the very base level of simple cooking, onions are the cornerstone. From béchamel sauce to stocks, they’re the basis of everything, and they’re a token addition to stir-fries. I can use the same type of onion four or five different ways in the same dish to build the flavour. It can be either a supporting or primary ingredient: there are plenty of dishes I make where onion is the centerpiece, like an onion soup served in an onion bowl.” ★★★★★
Flavour: “There’s such versatility in the flavour of onions. When they’re cooked, you’re usually talking about this great caramelized sweetness, which is a very attractive characteristic of the onion. But there’s also the harsh, raw, ‘onion-y’ flavour of an uncooked onion — it can have a natural heat. Do people order dishes because of onion? Of course not. But that’s why the dishes taste the way they do.” ★★★★★
Health: Onions have long been a home remedy for bacterial infections like earaches and coughs, due to their anti-bacterial properties. They also contain natural anti-clotting agents, so they can be effective in preventing heart disease and high blood pressure. Plus, studies have shown that onions contain a variety of sulfides that could prevent stomach and colon cancer. ★★★★

THE WINNER OF THE TOURNAMENT OF VEGETABLES IS:

ONION!



http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/theappetizer/archive/2009/06/06/tournament-of-vegetables-zn-the-finale-the-real-deal-came-with-a-peel.aspx

Rice, Pasta, Bread, and Potato

Sunday nights are usually depressing as the reality of going back to work in mere hours sets in. For me, the sinking feeling in my stomach starts around 4 pm and lasts until I tuck into bed for the night. I do, however, believe that spending the night with friends is a good way to get work off my mind and extend my weekend as far as possible.

Case in point, I had some friends come over for Taco Night where the following discussion ensued.

Scenario 1

If you had to rank the following carbohydrates in order from favourite to least favourite – which would you chose? In alphabetical order:

Bread

Pasta

Potato

Rice

Now, surprisingly research shows that pasta is the least favourite of the options as 85%* of respondents were willing to forgo this tasty Italian staple. The first choice favourite was tied between rice and bread at 57% and 43% respectively. Real question here is what in the world has happened to the importance of potatoes in our culinary minds? This "once staple" goodie has become the very worst thing out there: completely irrelevant. I wonder why we are less incline to feel emotion towards potatoes, whereas pasta has become vilified. Sir Richard Blain, Emeritus, one of my Taco Party attendees stated very matter-of-factly that "pasta is rubbish". I would love to hear your thoughts on the place of pasta in your diet.

There is no question that my favourite, rice, is an all around winner. I mean, you can make pasta out of rice but you cannot make rice out of pasta. Also you can get amazing rice anywhere in the world; Japan, India, The Middle East, and Guelph. Enough said. Furthermore, I am hoping I can get a few of you on board to propetuate my new phrase "right as rice" (as in right as rain).

Scenario 2

This differs slight from Scenario 1. You are being asked to eliminate one of the following from your diet:

Chicken

Cow

Pork

43% of respondents said "smell ya later"** to cow, 28% were ready to say chicka-toodles to Chicken, and only 7% turned their snouts up to pig. Ask yourself which of the 3 options above you would be willing to eliminate.

Have your answer?

Good, now consider if your choice is still the same if all animal bi-products are also eliminated with the source. No Cow = No Diary. No Chicken = No Eggs. I guess I was the only smart one in the group when I chose to get rid of pig.

Scenario 3

Savoury versus Sweet. Which would you choose for a mid-afternoon snack?

This was a toughy as results proved with a 50% split. One good point was brought up concerning sweet treats, especially chocolate.

>"When I eat chocolate, I'm never satisfied. I'm never happy" – The Right Honourable Alison Palmer

Perhaps we should all consider converting to savoury treats.

*Results based on a sample group of 7 taco party attendees including 5 females¸2 males, and 2 cats (who were not factored into results).

** "Smell ya Later" is copyright protected and property of Mz. Stefanie Crispino.