This past Sunday, I attended a surprise birthday party for my friend Stefanie who is turning 30. Unlike many surprise parties where the honouree is totally clued into what is going on, Stef showed up and backed out of the party room thinking that she had ruined someone else's party. Totally shocked!
Good times ensued as the party got underway and I found myself in a circle of some very interesting people including Alison, Esther, Richard, the party photographer, and Lahoma.
As usual, conversation subject staple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, came up at which point Lahoma referred to KH as Tom's beard. There are two issues that need to be examined here; people you will believe no matter what they say, and the term "beard". Let's start with the first.
Have you ever met a person who you blindly believe no matter what they say? Well, Lahoma is one of them. Richard Blain and I noted that if she had told us the world was flat we would have simply nodded, tilted our head sideways, and said "is that so"? Some people possess a quality that allows others to throw questionability out the window, and Lahoma is one of them. There are situations where people have stated something as fact and I roll my eyes while thinking they're a big know-it-all. More importantly, I don't believe them.
In Lahoma's case, I felt as though I was speaking with the Dali Lama as she delivered news of TomKat with a calm finesse fit for someone who has eight degrees from Harvard. What is it with people who have that "je ne sais quoi" in believability? I've narrowed it down to a few characteristics:
Delivery
Tone of voice
Body language
X-Factor
I can't help you with the X-factor. Some people have it, most people don't. If you have any theories, I would love your feedback.
On to my second second point, the term "beard" which is, as defined by the Urban Dictionary (and Lahoma):
"A common word used to address a homosexual's female friend who he takes around town; he normally calls this companion his "girlfriend" to prove to the world that he is a masculine, football watching, titty grabbing heterosexual male. Although, he may think that this so called 'image' is working, he's actually fooling himself. It's completely obvious to on-lookers that he is a flamboyant homo. Gayer than a chihuahua in pink shades.
Here are some warning signs that you may be a beard...
1. He wears more makeup than you.
2. He looks fucking FIERCE in pictures 'cause he smiles wit' his eyes.
3. Uses bronzer as blush
4. Plucks his own eyebrows and his eyebrows look more groomed than yours.
5. Stands with hands on his hips.
Who the hell does Gayfron think that he is fooling? We all know that Vanessa Hudgens is his beard.
Though I can understand why a gay male would want a female beard, I wondered how the beard herself benefits from the arrangement. There is a book by James Frey called "Bright Shiny Morning" about people living in Los Angeles. A set of characters is a gay male and his beard (who is actually also gay) who co-exist happily as best friends, shielding their sexuality through a mutually beneficial agreement by which they pretend to be married in order to protect their careers. The couple are clearly companions as are TomKat, but the later couple differs because we can safely assume that Katie Holmes is not gay. Setting money aside, what does KH get from her "relationship" with Tom Cruise? Her career has hardly catapulted and she is constantly hounded by the media, her relationship questioned, and privacy is something void from her life.
While it's easy to see how a "face" like Tom benefits from the relationship, what's in it for the "beard"?
Would they really do it for the money?
Is a beard needed in a non-celebrity setting where the repercussions from coming out would be less severe?
By the way, according to Lahoma, other suspected beards and their fake husbands:
Kelly Preston & John Travolta
Stedman Graham & Oprah Winfrey
George Clooney & Waitress # 1089
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