Exit Strategies

 

You're at a party and it's a little after 2 am. Instead of watching your friends in the midst of a drunken game of Twister, the only thing on your mind (okay, my mind) is waking early enough to catch the Coronation Street marathon in the morning.

"". In order of appearance, I would like to thank the following Brunch Buddies: Evan, Krista, Jenn, and Margaret. Your input was most invaluable.

 

The Sneak and Go

Usually this one only works if the majority of guests and hosts are drunk and no longer paying attention. They won't remember what time you left the next day anyway. It involves, literally, sneaking out the door.

You can tell if the party is prime for The Sneak and Go by monitoring the activities of party attendants. If any of the following activities are taking place, you're safe to perform The Sneak and Go.

• The CD player is no longer easy for people to use
  
• There is no toilet paper in the bathroom, yet people keep going in and using the toilet without exiting in alarm
  
• Your host is sleeping on a coach, bed, or closet
  
• There are thumb wrestling contests taking place
  

If none of the above is taking place, you're best to go with.....

 

The Ease and Go

If simply leaving is not an option, The Brunch Buddies suggest a trip to the washroom breaks up the abruptness of leaving straight from the couch. Excusing yourself and making a trip to the washroom (there should be toilet paper still available) allows guests to adjust to you no longer being in the mix. Once you return to the scene and announce you'll be heading out, it's not as much of a shock.

 

The Follow The Leader

The Follow The Leader is used in 99.9% of cases by males. Men often allow their ladies to make the excruciating good-bye rounds. Once she is at the door with her coat on and purse in hand he creeps along the wall and joins. He elevates his hand as if to say "see ya", nods his head while simultaneously pivoting and heading out the door. A true classic, you can see The Follow The Leader at parties near you.

 

The Dunan-J Cat

Inspired by Brunch Buddy, Krista, The Duncan-J Cat is a strategy which can be employed by animal and/or kid owers. In Krista's case, she uses this very true excuse of having to leave to administer her kitty, Duncan J. Cat his diabetes medication. The Duncan-J Cat can be extended to those with kids and need to get home to the babysitter. If using an animal as a decoy, I would recommend having a picture of your fuzzy friend to rally guests to support your departure. No one wants a sick cat without his meds!

 

The Honest Assholes

This is the sort of exit strategy used by people like Donald Trump, who simply do not care if they are perceived as an asshole. This yahoo gets up and announces he/she
is leaving. If you choose to use The Honest Asshole, be prepared for a backlash.

 

The Mass Exodus

Usually implemented during a sit down dinner party where guests are all anxiously waiting for someone else to make the first move. Once the first brave soul employs one of the strategies above, everyone else joins in and the group moves in union out the door. The Mass Exodus should only be used in civilized events where the night has truly run its course.

 

The Park & Fly

A lovely and legitimate excuse, The Park & Fly can only be used during the day when you must depart in order to avoid getting a parking ticket. Suggested uses: coffee dates and lunches.

 

If you are trying to coordinate your departure with another guest you can use the following techniques to communicate your readiness to leave:

• Visual Cues; bulging eyes
  
• Physical Cues; nudging, knee knocking, outstretched neck, scratching of the chin, etc
  
• Verbal Cues; code phrases
  

 

I hope these strategies help you successfully exit your next party with ease and finesse. As always, your feedback is appreciated!

 

 

 

Sidewalk Gripes

Before I even begin on this posting, let me clarify my stance on those living with disabilities. I sympathise with the struggles those living with disabilities face on a daily basis and fully support equal opportunity and access. It's my hope that our government implements as many programs as needed to ensure we maintain the same standard of living for all, regardless of our physical abilities.

A few days ago, with my iPod playing some very happy tunes by KT Tunstall, I was walking towards the King streetcar when I had a near death experience. As I was listening to music and walking on the sidewalk, I didn't anticipate danger, but what transpired was a close call. Surprisingly, it wasn't the streetcar or a random car driving by that nearly ended my life, but instead a man driving an electric wheelchair who careened by at a speed fit for the Molson Indy. He just about took my left arm off, and when he manoeuvred in front of me turned around and shouted "watch where you're going lady"!!!

I generally don't enjoy being called lady or most recently "mam" – but that's a whole different article.

The experience with the surly man on Spencer Street brought me back to another close call I had with an electric wheelchair in college. I was entering a hallway when my toes were just centimetres from being amputated by a passing electric wheelchair. Thankfully, in that case I wasn't yelled at.

I suppose that since we're all sharing the sidewalk it would be most appropriate to do just that – share. The experience of having electric wheelchairs wiz by at the speed of light has been documented by several friends...so I know it's not just me. I'm all for the electric wheelchairs if you need it to get you from point A to B, but my gripe is with the lack of safety associated with a tool designed to improve access. Just as with bicycles, a bell or horn should be deemed necessary.

Also, on a side note – has anyone ever seen people in the electric wheelchairs riding in car lanes? Just proves my point though about the speed capabilities of the newer model electric wheelchairs.

Another thing that drives me bananas is when a couple or family take up the entire width of the sidewalk whilst casually strolling. I think it's wonderful that people are spending time together outdoors – hugging, loving, kissing, and walking are all highly appreciated, however, it is not appreciated when the participants are hogging the sidewalk. I think there should be a 2 person maximum for each direction. Also, slow walkers can be very frustrating for those in a rush. If you're a slow walker, that's wonderful! Slow walk to your desire, but it would be fantastic if you could be aware of people on your tail and perhaps move to the side.

Lastly, strollers. I'm actually envious of mum's I see meandering around town with these apparatuses. The amount of storage the modern day stroller is simply astounding. Multiple cup holders, bag compartments, mesh baskets, reversible seats – I'm jealous!! When I take my niece Emma for a walk, the pure power and strength contained her stroller is empowering for both of us and certainly makes for a lovely stroll. Similarly with the slower walkers, it would be nice for people to be aware of when they're causing congestion on the sidewalk and perhaps pull over to let people pass.

Am I missing any other sidewalk woes you'd like to discuss? Let me know!

 

Male Wardrobe Malfunctions

How nice must it to be a man in the morning?

I start thinking about what to wear sometime between making coffee and finishing my first Sudoku puzzle. Before heading to the shower, I have a primary and secondary outfit picked out. To simplify my life, I tend to shy away from loud colours and stick to a uniform of black and white clothing because it's easier to match and therefore requires less planning.

Besides washing my hair, which really does bore me, getting dressed in the morning is one of my least favourite things to do. Men sure do seem to have it easy. They don't have to choose between skirts, dresses, Bermuda shorts, leggings, etc. It's simply pants and a shirt. Seems pretty simple to me.

So how then do men seem to manage so many odd clothing choices? Here are a few I've noticed (in no particular order).

1. Starts with an "S" and ends with an "ew". Actually, I'm referring to Speedos. I can't understand why, given the option of wearing something not so constricting, men wear these abhorrent outfits.
   

   
    

2. Little Backpacks. They look ridiculous. Get a full sized pack for the love of God. This looks especially silly when wearing a suit with the backpack.
   

   
    

3. Socks with sandals. Often seen on women, but men are definitely the primary offender.
   

   
    

4. Skinny Jeans. This one is best left to the ladies.
   

   
    

If I'm missing anything, ladies, feel free to let me know.

Congealed Mass of Travelers

It's been a while since my last posting and in that time a lot has happened. I turned 30, Michael Jackson has died, and the garbage strike in Toronto is now in its 4^th week. But, the show must go on and I feel compelled to write about the universal irritants of international travel.

A few weeks ago, I prepared to board an Air Canada flight from Toronto to Casablanca. Having arrived at the airport a tad early I was relaxed and was dreamily perusing the bookstore with a Timmy Ho's in hand. Snapped out of my daze by an announcement, I noticed a congregation of people standing around a departure gate – similar to a congealed mass of overcooked perogies. In no particular order, travelers stood impatiently trying to inch forward to the gate...which was not open yet. Reminiscent of CBC documentaries showcasing the line-ups during a little known African country's first democratic vote, passengers looked insistent on moving forward which such determination in their eyes that I figured it was time for me to join the line.

Upon joining the line-up, I was bumped, pushed, shoved, and nudged in all direction. After navigating this lesser known version of the "mosh pit" there was the next hurdle of getting to my window seat in one piece. Bouncing down the aisle like a ping pong ball I felt a surge of relief when I saw my row. A mother and daughter duo sat in the other two seats occupying the row.

They looked at me. I looked at them.

Polite smile from the mother. Roll of the eyes from the daughter. "Sorry, could I...that's my seat".

A production fit for a Broadway musical is what then transpired. It was if I had asked a homeless person to move out of tent city with all of their million belongings. No word of a lie, it took me 5 minutes to get my arse remotely near the seat.

Ah....awesome. Finally seated, I was excited for take-off so that I could dive into my book or watch some Curb Your Enthusiasm. The daughter (for the sake of argument, let's call her "Dungeon Child") turned on her iPod which I could hear over the roaring jet engines. A series of punk music played irritatingly out of her earphones but even worse was her boney elbow which was hogging the entire arm rest.

Dungeon Child had her legs splayed open so that they were intruding on my foot space, elbow in my ribs, her music pounding in my right ear – and then she started to cough Swine Flu style. Totally gross and time to take action.

I tried to politely position my elbow on the arm rest but Dungeon Child was having none of it. There wasn't a 50-50 arm rest split happening and I couldn't stake out even a tiny patch. And so I waited, with a plan of action, for Dungeon Child to fall asleep. Once her head started to haphazardly swaying from side to side I knew she was asleep and probably dreaming of a proper snuggle with Marilyn Manson. I knocked her arm right off the arm rest – POW! Her neck snapped in to an upright position, eyes blinked open, and a stunned look crossed her face. Of course, I pretended nothing unusual was going on and focused intently on my TV screen. Problem solved.

The arm rest issue doesn't seem to be exclusive to air travel. Here are a few more places I've noticed a struggle to maintain a civilized 50-50 arm rest split.

1. TTC
   
2. Movie theatre
   
3. Doctor's office
   

Can you think of any others?

I would also like to know what your ARE (arm rest equality) strategies are.

 

Interview with Lahoma

This past Sunday, I attended a surprise birthday party for my friend Stefanie who is turning 30. Unlike many surprise parties where the honouree is totally clued into what is going on, Stef showed up and backed out of the party room thinking that she had ruined someone else's party. Totally shocked!

Good times ensued as the party got underway and I found myself in a circle of some very interesting people including Alison, Esther, Richard, the party photographer, and Lahoma.

As usual, conversation subject staple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, came up at which point Lahoma referred to KH as Tom's beard. There are two issues that need to be examined here; people you will believe no matter what they say, and the term "beard". Let's start with the first.

Have you ever met a person who you blindly believe no matter what they say? Well, Lahoma is one of them. Richard Blain and I noted that if she had told us the world was flat we would have simply nodded, tilted our head sideways, and said "is that so"? Some people possess a quality that allows others to throw questionability out the window, and Lahoma is one of them. There are situations where people have stated something as fact and I roll my eyes while thinking they're a big know-it-all. More importantly, I don't believe them.

In Lahoma's case, I felt as though I was speaking with the Dali Lama as she delivered news of TomKat with a calm finesse fit for someone who has eight degrees from Harvard. What is it with people who have that "je ne sais quoi" in believability? I've narrowed it down to a few characteristics:

Delivery

Tone of voice

Body language

X-Factor

I can't help you with the X-factor. Some people have it, most people don't. If you have any theories, I would love your feedback.

On to my second second point, the term "beard" which is, as defined by the Urban Dictionary (and Lahoma):

"A common word used to address a homosexual's female friend who he takes around town; he normally calls this companion his "girlfriend" to prove to the world that he is a masculine, football watching, titty grabbing heterosexual male. Although, he may think that this so called 'image' is working, he's actually fooling himself. It's completely obvious to on-lookers that he is a flamboyant homo. Gayer than a chihuahua in pink shades.

Here are some warning signs that you may be a beard...

1. He wears more makeup than you.
2. He looks fucking FIERCE in pictures 'cause he smiles wit' his eyes.
3. Uses bronzer as blush
4. Plucks his own eyebrows and his eyebrows look more groomed than yours.
5. Stands with hands on his hips.

Who the hell does Gayfron think that he is fooling? We all know that Vanessa Hudgens is his beard.

Though I can understand why a gay male would want a female beard, I wondered how the beard herself benefits from the arrangement. There is a book by James Frey called "Bright Shiny Morning" about people living in Los Angeles. A set of characters is a gay male and his beard (who is actually also gay) who co-exist happily as best friends, shielding their sexuality through a mutually beneficial agreement by which they pretend to be married in order to protect their careers. The couple are clearly companions as are TomKat, but the later couple differs because we can safely assume that Katie Holmes is not gay. Setting money aside, what does KH get from her "relationship" with Tom Cruise? Her career has hardly catapulted and she is constantly hounded by the media, her relationship questioned, and privacy is something void from her life.

While it's easy to see how a "face" like Tom benefits from the relationship, what's in it for the "beard"?

Would they really do it for the money?

Is a beard needed in a non-celebrity setting where the repercussions from coming out would be less severe?

By the way, according to Lahoma, other suspected beards and their fake husbands:
 

Kelly Preston & John Travolta

Stedman Graham & Oprah Winfrey

George Clooney & Waitress # 1089

Word on the Street

My sweet ride, The Bike, was recently tuned and consequently I’ve been peddling madly all over town. It is actually faster to bike in Toronto than take the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission), and though you have to dodge streetcars and crazy drivers it is my favourite way of traveling.

Yesterday, on a biking adventure to visit my niece Emma, I noticed some very interesting streets which made me ponder the naming process. After doing some research I’ve discovered that there is a lot more to street names than meets the eye. It seems that many history books geared towards a city’s past focuses at least a section to street naming history.

According to University of Haifa student Yoram Bar-Gal, “two important factors characterized the history of naming streets in Tel-Aviv: the decision-makers and the principles that guided them”. Bar-Gal goes onto explain that city officials in Tel-Aviv wanted to culturally differentiate their city from Jaffa and this underlying principal was the guiding force in choosing names. The article “Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947” provides some great insight into the fact that “political and historical processes” and cultural characteristics play a huge role in city planning and street names. I suppose this makes sense as great people, fallen heroes, and notable historical events are often honoured with their own streets.

As a native Montrealer, I can attest to the fact that culture and history were combined with religion to make way for the hundreds of “Saint-Somthing” streets. Most people of French and Irish lineage are Catholic and since these two ethnicities make up a large percentage of Montreal’s inhabitants the downtown core is riddled with religious undertones; Saint Catherine, St. Jacques, St. Laurent, St. Denis, and so on. It’s amazing the Montreal is known as Canada’s Sin City – shocking that Montrealers feel at ease doing anything “bad” with all those saints breathing down their neck.

One of the articles I read online summarizes the history of street naming in North America quite well. Here are some interesting points:

• Early on, streets were named after landmarks (Church, Canal), geographical attributes (North, Hill), and important people (King, Queen)
• A shift to naming streets after nature later took place (trees, flowers, etc).
• Surnames then became widely used (sometimes after the people who developed the area)
• Around 1880 streets were replaced with avenues
• An architectural revolution in the early 1900’s made way for eloquent boulevards, monuments, vistas, and colonnades
• After WWI when cars became more widely used avenue was replaced with drive. Suburbia was sought after by most people and suffixes such as “land” and “wood” were often used.
• Over the later half of the 1900’s personal names, famous colleges and universities, and English counties were used as inspiration in naming streets.

All this being said, I have a top 5 list of street names I’ve seen here in Toronto. In no particular order:

1.) Don Jail Roadway
2.) Ladykirk Avenue
3.) Avenue Road
4.) McGee Street (those of you who know about my love for the term “Tubs McGee” will appreciate this one)
5.) Strange Street

I found a funny site online with the weirdest street names. Here are some of my favourites:

1.) Little Schmuck Road
2.) Liquid Loco Road
3.) Farfrompoopen Road
4.) Cannibal Lane
5.) Turkey Cock Lane

What are some of the best street names you’ve seen? Do you feel that certain limitations should be applied to choosing a name (length of character, controversial people, etc)?

If you’re interested in reading more, here are some of the articles I read:

Toronto Street Names: An Illustrated Guide to Their Origins (Firefly Books, ISBN: 1552093867)

History of Street Names and Street Naming in North America (http://potifos.com/streetname.html)

Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947 (Springer Netherlands, ISSN: 0147-1694 (Print) 1876-5165 (Online)

What kind of prisoner would you be?

Today on a leisurely lunchtime walk with two co-workers the topic of prison came up. I think we were talking about sitting through an episode of "Two and a Half Men".

We explored the idea of becoming a prisoner ourselves which is actually something I had previously considered after watching a movie called The Reader, starring Kate Winslet whose character has an affair with a teenage boy. Though the relationship later ends, the two are ironically reunited when the young man, who is studying to be a lawyer, attends the trial of a woman who is subsequently convicted of war crimes relating to her time as a concentration camp guard in World War II. Of course, the woman convicted is Winslet's character who goes to prison and learns how to read. For the years leading up to her death, the woman becomes educated and enriched through books checked out at the prison library.

Another interesting story related to time spent in prison was through a special report on Oprah. Selected convicts were invited to take part in a program aimed at rehabilitating prisoners by allowing them to take care puppies that would later be trained to become a Seeing Eye dog. These men spend their days in jail fostering dogs and taking care of their every need; food, water, grooming, etc. Seems like a lovely way to "do your time" if you ask me.

http://www.puppiesbehindbars.com/about.asp

Anyway, what would you do if you were in prison? Let's say you're in the slammer for some sort of crazy string of unpaid parking tickets and it's not maximum security so you're free to drop your soap in the shower without fear.

My co-worker Carly said she's be more than happy to study medicine in the hopes of becoming a doctor upon her release.

Stephanie, we decided, would probably be so shell shocked that she's most likely go into her own imaginary world where her ability to speak and communicate would be lost.

As for myself, I think it would be a good opportunity to brush up on my skills because Lord knows it won't be easy to find employment after ticking that "have you ever been to jail" box on a job application. It might be nice to learn Mandarin or Arabic. Perhaps a University degree though correspondence in sociology or psychology because I wouldn't waste my money doing that on my own dime. Let the tax payers pick up the bill! Of course I would read a ton and maybe even take up meditation to cope with the anxiety of prison life. It actually doesn't sound too bad being in prison, does it?

What would you do? Would you be the kind of prisoner who freaks out and loses their marbles? Perhaps you would use your time to be productive? Or would you just plain chill and take it a day at time?

Would love to hear your thoughts.