Exit Strategies

 

You're at a party and it's a little after 2 am. Instead of watching your friends in the midst of a drunken game of Twister, the only thing on your mind (okay, my mind) is waking early enough to catch the Coronation Street marathon in the morning.

"". In order of appearance, I would like to thank the following Brunch Buddies: Evan, Krista, Jenn, and Margaret. Your input was most invaluable.

 

The Sneak and Go

Usually this one only works if the majority of guests and hosts are drunk and no longer paying attention. They won't remember what time you left the next day anyway. It involves, literally, sneaking out the door.

You can tell if the party is prime for The Sneak and Go by monitoring the activities of party attendants. If any of the following activities are taking place, you're safe to perform The Sneak and Go.

• The CD player is no longer easy for people to use
  
• There is no toilet paper in the bathroom, yet people keep going in and using the toilet without exiting in alarm
  
• Your host is sleeping on a coach, bed, or closet
  
• There are thumb wrestling contests taking place
  

If none of the above is taking place, you're best to go with.....

 

The Ease and Go

If simply leaving is not an option, The Brunch Buddies suggest a trip to the washroom breaks up the abruptness of leaving straight from the couch. Excusing yourself and making a trip to the washroom (there should be toilet paper still available) allows guests to adjust to you no longer being in the mix. Once you return to the scene and announce you'll be heading out, it's not as much of a shock.

 

The Follow The Leader

The Follow The Leader is used in 99.9% of cases by males. Men often allow their ladies to make the excruciating good-bye rounds. Once she is at the door with her coat on and purse in hand he creeps along the wall and joins. He elevates his hand as if to say "see ya", nods his head while simultaneously pivoting and heading out the door. A true classic, you can see The Follow The Leader at parties near you.

 

The Dunan-J Cat

Inspired by Brunch Buddy, Krista, The Duncan-J Cat is a strategy which can be employed by animal and/or kid owers. In Krista's case, she uses this very true excuse of having to leave to administer her kitty, Duncan J. Cat his diabetes medication. The Duncan-J Cat can be extended to those with kids and need to get home to the babysitter. If using an animal as a decoy, I would recommend having a picture of your fuzzy friend to rally guests to support your departure. No one wants a sick cat without his meds!

 

The Honest Assholes

This is the sort of exit strategy used by people like Donald Trump, who simply do not care if they are perceived as an asshole. This yahoo gets up and announces he/she
is leaving. If you choose to use The Honest Asshole, be prepared for a backlash.

 

The Mass Exodus

Usually implemented during a sit down dinner party where guests are all anxiously waiting for someone else to make the first move. Once the first brave soul employs one of the strategies above, everyone else joins in and the group moves in union out the door. The Mass Exodus should only be used in civilized events where the night has truly run its course.

 

The Park & Fly

A lovely and legitimate excuse, The Park & Fly can only be used during the day when you must depart in order to avoid getting a parking ticket. Suggested uses: coffee dates and lunches.

 

If you are trying to coordinate your departure with another guest you can use the following techniques to communicate your readiness to leave:

• Visual Cues; bulging eyes
  
• Physical Cues; nudging, knee knocking, outstretched neck, scratching of the chin, etc
  
• Verbal Cues; code phrases
  

 

I hope these strategies help you successfully exit your next party with ease and finesse. As always, your feedback is appreciated!

 

 

 

Sidewalk Gripes

Before I even begin on this posting, let me clarify my stance on those living with disabilities. I sympathise with the struggles those living with disabilities face on a daily basis and fully support equal opportunity and access. It's my hope that our government implements as many programs as needed to ensure we maintain the same standard of living for all, regardless of our physical abilities.

A few days ago, with my iPod playing some very happy tunes by KT Tunstall, I was walking towards the King streetcar when I had a near death experience. As I was listening to music and walking on the sidewalk, I didn't anticipate danger, but what transpired was a close call. Surprisingly, it wasn't the streetcar or a random car driving by that nearly ended my life, but instead a man driving an electric wheelchair who careened by at a speed fit for the Molson Indy. He just about took my left arm off, and when he manoeuvred in front of me turned around and shouted "watch where you're going lady"!!!

I generally don't enjoy being called lady or most recently "mam" – but that's a whole different article.

The experience with the surly man on Spencer Street brought me back to another close call I had with an electric wheelchair in college. I was entering a hallway when my toes were just centimetres from being amputated by a passing electric wheelchair. Thankfully, in that case I wasn't yelled at.

I suppose that since we're all sharing the sidewalk it would be most appropriate to do just that – share. The experience of having electric wheelchairs wiz by at the speed of light has been documented by several friends...so I know it's not just me. I'm all for the electric wheelchairs if you need it to get you from point A to B, but my gripe is with the lack of safety associated with a tool designed to improve access. Just as with bicycles, a bell or horn should be deemed necessary.

Also, on a side note – has anyone ever seen people in the electric wheelchairs riding in car lanes? Just proves my point though about the speed capabilities of the newer model electric wheelchairs.

Another thing that drives me bananas is when a couple or family take up the entire width of the sidewalk whilst casually strolling. I think it's wonderful that people are spending time together outdoors – hugging, loving, kissing, and walking are all highly appreciated, however, it is not appreciated when the participants are hogging the sidewalk. I think there should be a 2 person maximum for each direction. Also, slow walkers can be very frustrating for those in a rush. If you're a slow walker, that's wonderful! Slow walk to your desire, but it would be fantastic if you could be aware of people on your tail and perhaps move to the side.

Lastly, strollers. I'm actually envious of mum's I see meandering around town with these apparatuses. The amount of storage the modern day stroller is simply astounding. Multiple cup holders, bag compartments, mesh baskets, reversible seats – I'm jealous!! When I take my niece Emma for a walk, the pure power and strength contained her stroller is empowering for both of us and certainly makes for a lovely stroll. Similarly with the slower walkers, it would be nice for people to be aware of when they're causing congestion on the sidewalk and perhaps pull over to let people pass.

Am I missing any other sidewalk woes you'd like to discuss? Let me know!

 

Male Wardrobe Malfunctions

How nice must it to be a man in the morning?

I start thinking about what to wear sometime between making coffee and finishing my first Sudoku puzzle. Before heading to the shower, I have a primary and secondary outfit picked out. To simplify my life, I tend to shy away from loud colours and stick to a uniform of black and white clothing because it's easier to match and therefore requires less planning.

Besides washing my hair, which really does bore me, getting dressed in the morning is one of my least favourite things to do. Men sure do seem to have it easy. They don't have to choose between skirts, dresses, Bermuda shorts, leggings, etc. It's simply pants and a shirt. Seems pretty simple to me.

So how then do men seem to manage so many odd clothing choices? Here are a few I've noticed (in no particular order).

1. Starts with an "S" and ends with an "ew". Actually, I'm referring to Speedos. I can't understand why, given the option of wearing something not so constricting, men wear these abhorrent outfits.
   

   
    

2. Little Backpacks. They look ridiculous. Get a full sized pack for the love of God. This looks especially silly when wearing a suit with the backpack.
   

   
    

3. Socks with sandals. Often seen on women, but men are definitely the primary offender.
   

   
    

4. Skinny Jeans. This one is best left to the ladies.
   

   
    

If I'm missing anything, ladies, feel free to let me know.

Congealed Mass of Travelers

It's been a while since my last posting and in that time a lot has happened. I turned 30, Michael Jackson has died, and the garbage strike in Toronto is now in its 4^th week. But, the show must go on and I feel compelled to write about the universal irritants of international travel.

A few weeks ago, I prepared to board an Air Canada flight from Toronto to Casablanca. Having arrived at the airport a tad early I was relaxed and was dreamily perusing the bookstore with a Timmy Ho's in hand. Snapped out of my daze by an announcement, I noticed a congregation of people standing around a departure gate – similar to a congealed mass of overcooked perogies. In no particular order, travelers stood impatiently trying to inch forward to the gate...which was not open yet. Reminiscent of CBC documentaries showcasing the line-ups during a little known African country's first democratic vote, passengers looked insistent on moving forward which such determination in their eyes that I figured it was time for me to join the line.

Upon joining the line-up, I was bumped, pushed, shoved, and nudged in all direction. After navigating this lesser known version of the "mosh pit" there was the next hurdle of getting to my window seat in one piece. Bouncing down the aisle like a ping pong ball I felt a surge of relief when I saw my row. A mother and daughter duo sat in the other two seats occupying the row.

They looked at me. I looked at them.

Polite smile from the mother. Roll of the eyes from the daughter. "Sorry, could I...that's my seat".

A production fit for a Broadway musical is what then transpired. It was if I had asked a homeless person to move out of tent city with all of their million belongings. No word of a lie, it took me 5 minutes to get my arse remotely near the seat.

Ah....awesome. Finally seated, I was excited for take-off so that I could dive into my book or watch some Curb Your Enthusiasm. The daughter (for the sake of argument, let's call her "Dungeon Child") turned on her iPod which I could hear over the roaring jet engines. A series of punk music played irritatingly out of her earphones but even worse was her boney elbow which was hogging the entire arm rest.

Dungeon Child had her legs splayed open so that they were intruding on my foot space, elbow in my ribs, her music pounding in my right ear – and then she started to cough Swine Flu style. Totally gross and time to take action.

I tried to politely position my elbow on the arm rest but Dungeon Child was having none of it. There wasn't a 50-50 arm rest split happening and I couldn't stake out even a tiny patch. And so I waited, with a plan of action, for Dungeon Child to fall asleep. Once her head started to haphazardly swaying from side to side I knew she was asleep and probably dreaming of a proper snuggle with Marilyn Manson. I knocked her arm right off the arm rest – POW! Her neck snapped in to an upright position, eyes blinked open, and a stunned look crossed her face. Of course, I pretended nothing unusual was going on and focused intently on my TV screen. Problem solved.

The arm rest issue doesn't seem to be exclusive to air travel. Here are a few more places I've noticed a struggle to maintain a civilized 50-50 arm rest split.

1. TTC
   
2. Movie theatre
   
3. Doctor's office
   

Can you think of any others?

I would also like to know what your ARE (arm rest equality) strategies are.

 

Interview with Lahoma

This past Sunday, I attended a surprise birthday party for my friend Stefanie who is turning 30. Unlike many surprise parties where the honouree is totally clued into what is going on, Stef showed up and backed out of the party room thinking that she had ruined someone else's party. Totally shocked!

Good times ensued as the party got underway and I found myself in a circle of some very interesting people including Alison, Esther, Richard, the party photographer, and Lahoma.

As usual, conversation subject staple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, came up at which point Lahoma referred to KH as Tom's beard. There are two issues that need to be examined here; people you will believe no matter what they say, and the term "beard". Let's start with the first.

Have you ever met a person who you blindly believe no matter what they say? Well, Lahoma is one of them. Richard Blain and I noted that if she had told us the world was flat we would have simply nodded, tilted our head sideways, and said "is that so"? Some people possess a quality that allows others to throw questionability out the window, and Lahoma is one of them. There are situations where people have stated something as fact and I roll my eyes while thinking they're a big know-it-all. More importantly, I don't believe them.

In Lahoma's case, I felt as though I was speaking with the Dali Lama as she delivered news of TomKat with a calm finesse fit for someone who has eight degrees from Harvard. What is it with people who have that "je ne sais quoi" in believability? I've narrowed it down to a few characteristics:

Delivery

Tone of voice

Body language

X-Factor

I can't help you with the X-factor. Some people have it, most people don't. If you have any theories, I would love your feedback.

On to my second second point, the term "beard" which is, as defined by the Urban Dictionary (and Lahoma):

"A common word used to address a homosexual's female friend who he takes around town; he normally calls this companion his "girlfriend" to prove to the world that he is a masculine, football watching, titty grabbing heterosexual male. Although, he may think that this so called 'image' is working, he's actually fooling himself. It's completely obvious to on-lookers that he is a flamboyant homo. Gayer than a chihuahua in pink shades.

Here are some warning signs that you may be a beard...

1. He wears more makeup than you.
2. He looks fucking FIERCE in pictures 'cause he smiles wit' his eyes.
3. Uses bronzer as blush
4. Plucks his own eyebrows and his eyebrows look more groomed than yours.
5. Stands with hands on his hips.

Who the hell does Gayfron think that he is fooling? We all know that Vanessa Hudgens is his beard.

Though I can understand why a gay male would want a female beard, I wondered how the beard herself benefits from the arrangement. There is a book by James Frey called "Bright Shiny Morning" about people living in Los Angeles. A set of characters is a gay male and his beard (who is actually also gay) who co-exist happily as best friends, shielding their sexuality through a mutually beneficial agreement by which they pretend to be married in order to protect their careers. The couple are clearly companions as are TomKat, but the later couple differs because we can safely assume that Katie Holmes is not gay. Setting money aside, what does KH get from her "relationship" with Tom Cruise? Her career has hardly catapulted and she is constantly hounded by the media, her relationship questioned, and privacy is something void from her life.

While it's easy to see how a "face" like Tom benefits from the relationship, what's in it for the "beard"?

Would they really do it for the money?

Is a beard needed in a non-celebrity setting where the repercussions from coming out would be less severe?

By the way, according to Lahoma, other suspected beards and their fake husbands:
 

Kelly Preston & John Travolta

Stedman Graham & Oprah Winfrey

George Clooney & Waitress # 1089

Word on the Street

My sweet ride, The Bike, was recently tuned and consequently I’ve been peddling madly all over town. It is actually faster to bike in Toronto than take the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission), and though you have to dodge streetcars and crazy drivers it is my favourite way of traveling.

Yesterday, on a biking adventure to visit my niece Emma, I noticed some very interesting streets which made me ponder the naming process. After doing some research I’ve discovered that there is a lot more to street names than meets the eye. It seems that many history books geared towards a city’s past focuses at least a section to street naming history.

According to University of Haifa student Yoram Bar-Gal, “two important factors characterized the history of naming streets in Tel-Aviv: the decision-makers and the principles that guided them”. Bar-Gal goes onto explain that city officials in Tel-Aviv wanted to culturally differentiate their city from Jaffa and this underlying principal was the guiding force in choosing names. The article “Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947” provides some great insight into the fact that “political and historical processes” and cultural characteristics play a huge role in city planning and street names. I suppose this makes sense as great people, fallen heroes, and notable historical events are often honoured with their own streets.

As a native Montrealer, I can attest to the fact that culture and history were combined with religion to make way for the hundreds of “Saint-Somthing” streets. Most people of French and Irish lineage are Catholic and since these two ethnicities make up a large percentage of Montreal’s inhabitants the downtown core is riddled with religious undertones; Saint Catherine, St. Jacques, St. Laurent, St. Denis, and so on. It’s amazing the Montreal is known as Canada’s Sin City – shocking that Montrealers feel at ease doing anything “bad” with all those saints breathing down their neck.

One of the articles I read online summarizes the history of street naming in North America quite well. Here are some interesting points:

• Early on, streets were named after landmarks (Church, Canal), geographical attributes (North, Hill), and important people (King, Queen)
• A shift to naming streets after nature later took place (trees, flowers, etc).
• Surnames then became widely used (sometimes after the people who developed the area)
• Around 1880 streets were replaced with avenues
• An architectural revolution in the early 1900’s made way for eloquent boulevards, monuments, vistas, and colonnades
• After WWI when cars became more widely used avenue was replaced with drive. Suburbia was sought after by most people and suffixes such as “land” and “wood” were often used.
• Over the later half of the 1900’s personal names, famous colleges and universities, and English counties were used as inspiration in naming streets.

All this being said, I have a top 5 list of street names I’ve seen here in Toronto. In no particular order:

1.) Don Jail Roadway
2.) Ladykirk Avenue
3.) Avenue Road
4.) McGee Street (those of you who know about my love for the term “Tubs McGee” will appreciate this one)
5.) Strange Street

I found a funny site online with the weirdest street names. Here are some of my favourites:

1.) Little Schmuck Road
2.) Liquid Loco Road
3.) Farfrompoopen Road
4.) Cannibal Lane
5.) Turkey Cock Lane

What are some of the best street names you’ve seen? Do you feel that certain limitations should be applied to choosing a name (length of character, controversial people, etc)?

If you’re interested in reading more, here are some of the articles I read:

Toronto Street Names: An Illustrated Guide to Their Origins (Firefly Books, ISBN: 1552093867)

History of Street Names and Street Naming in North America (http://potifos.com/streetname.html)

Naming city streets – A chapter in the history of Tel-Aviv, 1909-1947 (Springer Netherlands, ISSN: 0147-1694 (Print) 1876-5165 (Online)

What kind of prisoner would you be?

Today on a leisurely lunchtime walk with two co-workers the topic of prison came up. I think we were talking about sitting through an episode of "Two and a Half Men".

We explored the idea of becoming a prisoner ourselves which is actually something I had previously considered after watching a movie called The Reader, starring Kate Winslet whose character has an affair with a teenage boy. Though the relationship later ends, the two are ironically reunited when the young man, who is studying to be a lawyer, attends the trial of a woman who is subsequently convicted of war crimes relating to her time as a concentration camp guard in World War II. Of course, the woman convicted is Winslet's character who goes to prison and learns how to read. For the years leading up to her death, the woman becomes educated and enriched through books checked out at the prison library.

Another interesting story related to time spent in prison was through a special report on Oprah. Selected convicts were invited to take part in a program aimed at rehabilitating prisoners by allowing them to take care puppies that would later be trained to become a Seeing Eye dog. These men spend their days in jail fostering dogs and taking care of their every need; food, water, grooming, etc. Seems like a lovely way to "do your time" if you ask me.

http://www.puppiesbehindbars.com/about.asp

Anyway, what would you do if you were in prison? Let's say you're in the slammer for some sort of crazy string of unpaid parking tickets and it's not maximum security so you're free to drop your soap in the shower without fear.

My co-worker Carly said she's be more than happy to study medicine in the hopes of becoming a doctor upon her release.

Stephanie, we decided, would probably be so shell shocked that she's most likely go into her own imaginary world where her ability to speak and communicate would be lost.

As for myself, I think it would be a good opportunity to brush up on my skills because Lord knows it won't be easy to find employment after ticking that "have you ever been to jail" box on a job application. It might be nice to learn Mandarin or Arabic. Perhaps a University degree though correspondence in sociology or psychology because I wouldn't waste my money doing that on my own dime. Let the tax payers pick up the bill! Of course I would read a ton and maybe even take up meditation to cope with the anxiety of prison life. It actually doesn't sound too bad being in prison, does it?

What would you do? Would you be the kind of prisoner who freaks out and loses their marbles? Perhaps you would use your time to be productive? Or would you just plain chill and take it a day at time?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Tournament of Vegetables

Thanks to Megan Shram for sending me this somewhat contentious article on onions vs. potatoes from The National Post.

Based on points of accessibility, versatility, flavour, and health, which veggie do you think took the gold?

Read below for Alison Broverman's facscinating article:

=====

By Alison Broverman


For our final round, we went to Anthony Walsh, executive chef of Canoe. Says Walsh: “If I was asked, blind, to name the three cornerstones of my kitchen, potatoes and onions are both on that short list. I use them both constantly. It’s a tough choice, but I probably lean towards onion. If I was cooking for, say, Gordon Ramsay and could only use one vegetable, I think I can do more with an onion.”

And here we go... Potato vs Onion


POTATO
This tough tuber has come a long way, standing firm against carrot, sweet potato and beet to represent Roots and Tubers. In previous rounds, chefs Sharon Bergey and Christopher Perera couldn’t imagine their kitchens with the potato, and last week, Fresh’s Jennifer Houston demonstrated the potato’s more nutritious side and chose the spud over its leafy competitor, the cabbage. But will the potato cry tears of shame against its potent opponent, the onion?
Accessibility: “They can be stored forever as long as you keep them in the dark, dry and cold. We generally stock six or seven types of potatoes, from three different potato suppliers, but some types of potatoes aren’t as readily available for Joe Grocery Shopper. I’m always amazed at the crap they sometimes sell at some grocery stores: potatoes should be dirty and hard. You’re usually better off buying potatoes at farmer’s markets.” ★★★
Versatility: “The versatility is definitely there: I’ve done elements of desserts with potatoes, and you can serve them any which way for any course. I serve them hot, cold, fried, in soups, or just the skins. There are massive texture and flavour variants. The only thing I haven’t yet tried is making my own vodka, but I’d like to give it a shot.” ★★★★
Flavour: “It’s so basic — you can pull a lot of different flavours out of a potato depending on how you prepare it, but by itself…. There’s not a lot of flavour without horsing around with the potato.” ★★★
Health: Urban legend has it that a person can get all their necessary nutrients by eating only potatoes and milk (though why anyone would want to remains a mystery). But with 95% of its nutrients in and immediately under the skin, the potato’s health benefits are easily peeled away. And French fries don’t count as a serving of vegetables according to most nutritionists. ★★★



ONION
Dubbed “the king of the vegetables” early on by chef Jason Bangerter, and “the workhorse of the kitchen” by chef Donna Dooher, the onion has left a trail of tears in its path to victory. In last week’s semi-final, Anna Olson opted for onion as her “desert island” veggie. But how will the onion fare against the crowd-pleasing potato?
Accessibility: “The best ones are found locally, and there’s plenty of local variety: red, white, shallots, buttons, and more. We always try to stay as local as we can at Canoe. But onions store quite well, and you can get them pretty well year-round. When choosing an onion, you want them to be tight and hard as a rock.” ★★★
Versatility: “At the very base level of simple cooking, onions are the cornerstone. From béchamel sauce to stocks, they’re the basis of everything, and they’re a token addition to stir-fries. I can use the same type of onion four or five different ways in the same dish to build the flavour. It can be either a supporting or primary ingredient: there are plenty of dishes I make where onion is the centerpiece, like an onion soup served in an onion bowl.” ★★★★★
Flavour: “There’s such versatility in the flavour of onions. When they’re cooked, you’re usually talking about this great caramelized sweetness, which is a very attractive characteristic of the onion. But there’s also the harsh, raw, ‘onion-y’ flavour of an uncooked onion — it can have a natural heat. Do people order dishes because of onion? Of course not. But that’s why the dishes taste the way they do.” ★★★★★
Health: Onions have long been a home remedy for bacterial infections like earaches and coughs, due to their anti-bacterial properties. They also contain natural anti-clotting agents, so they can be effective in preventing heart disease and high blood pressure. Plus, studies have shown that onions contain a variety of sulfides that could prevent stomach and colon cancer. ★★★★

THE WINNER OF THE TOURNAMENT OF VEGETABLES IS:

ONION!



http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/theappetizer/archive/2009/06/06/tournament-of-vegetables-zn-the-finale-the-real-deal-came-with-a-peel.aspx

Rice, Pasta, Bread, and Potato

Sunday nights are usually depressing as the reality of going back to work in mere hours sets in. For me, the sinking feeling in my stomach starts around 4 pm and lasts until I tuck into bed for the night. I do, however, believe that spending the night with friends is a good way to get work off my mind and extend my weekend as far as possible.

Case in point, I had some friends come over for Taco Night where the following discussion ensued.

Scenario 1

If you had to rank the following carbohydrates in order from favourite to least favourite – which would you chose? In alphabetical order:

Bread

Pasta

Potato

Rice

Now, surprisingly research shows that pasta is the least favourite of the options as 85%* of respondents were willing to forgo this tasty Italian staple. The first choice favourite was tied between rice and bread at 57% and 43% respectively. Real question here is what in the world has happened to the importance of potatoes in our culinary minds? This "once staple" goodie has become the very worst thing out there: completely irrelevant. I wonder why we are less incline to feel emotion towards potatoes, whereas pasta has become vilified. Sir Richard Blain, Emeritus, one of my Taco Party attendees stated very matter-of-factly that "pasta is rubbish". I would love to hear your thoughts on the place of pasta in your diet.

There is no question that my favourite, rice, is an all around winner. I mean, you can make pasta out of rice but you cannot make rice out of pasta. Also you can get amazing rice anywhere in the world; Japan, India, The Middle East, and Guelph. Enough said. Furthermore, I am hoping I can get a few of you on board to propetuate my new phrase "right as rice" (as in right as rain).

Scenario 2

This differs slight from Scenario 1. You are being asked to eliminate one of the following from your diet:

Chicken

Cow

Pork

43% of respondents said "smell ya later"** to cow, 28% were ready to say chicka-toodles to Chicken, and only 7% turned their snouts up to pig. Ask yourself which of the 3 options above you would be willing to eliminate.

Have your answer?

Good, now consider if your choice is still the same if all animal bi-products are also eliminated with the source. No Cow = No Diary. No Chicken = No Eggs. I guess I was the only smart one in the group when I chose to get rid of pig.

Scenario 3

Savoury versus Sweet. Which would you choose for a mid-afternoon snack?

This was a toughy as results proved with a 50% split. One good point was brought up concerning sweet treats, especially chocolate.

>"When I eat chocolate, I'm never satisfied. I'm never happy" – The Right Honourable Alison Palmer

Perhaps we should all consider converting to savoury treats.

*Results based on a sample group of 7 taco party attendees including 5 females¸2 males, and 2 cats (who were not factored into results).

** "Smell ya Later" is copyright protected and property of Mz. Stefanie Crispino.

“We’re Pregnant”

Really? “We’re pregnant”?

Interesting, because I don’t think that you (man) have a vagina. This very important fact precludes you from being pregnant. Ladies, when you proudly proclaim “we’re pregnant”, trust me, a high percentage of people receiving your happy news are rolling their eyes in spirit.

Why is it that “we’re pregnant” has become commonplace? To me it's pretentious and plain ludicrous. Being pregnant as defined by Websters:

“Containing a developing embryo, fetus, or unborn offspring within the body”

Sorry gentlemen, but until science creates a away for you to push a child through your urethra, you are not pregnant.

I assume this term was sprouted from the fact that men want to be recognized as an integral part of the pregnancy. Understanding that males would like to take part in the exciting phase of their baby’s development I’ve come up with a compromise.

How about “we’re having a baby”. Still no entirely accurate but much less nauseating than aforementioned.

10 Things I Love About You, Parkdale

Parkdale is a Toronto neighbourhood with a reputation of being down and out and includes the infamous “King and Dufferin” intersection known for gang activity. It used to be an affluent area back in the earlier part of the century as it’s close to Lake Ontario, however, when the Gardiner Expressway was built in the 1950’s things went downhill. The rich moved out and an influx of immigrants replaced them turning the district into one of the most culturally diverse areas in Toronto.

Another factor that contributes to Parkdale’s unsavoury reputation is the fact that it’s home to many of the city’s mentally ill. This resulted after the Government of Ontario closed down a large long-term care facility for the mentally ill in the 1970’s in an effort to curb spending. Patients were released from the hospital, and many of them found homes within the Parkdale community.

When my brother drops me off at my apartment building, he makes the same joke about slowing the car down to a slow roll while I jump out. He also makes a show of locking the car doors when we turn onto my street. Hahaha...very funny. For all the heckling Parkdale gets (mostly from those living in the Beaches or “King West”) I would like to point out that it is actually a lovely place to live. So, on that note, here is my tribute to Parkdale:

1.) I often see Buddhist monks walking in full attire around my neighbourhood. This reminds me of the wonderful cultural blend that exists in the area and actually makes me feel safe. How can anything bad happen with monks walking around?!

2.) The “Dunn Milk” convenience store on the corner of Dunn and Springhurst is a throwback to the traditional corner store. Outside, there is a full flowershop complete with baskets of roses, hanging spidery plants, and sweet-smelling flowers. The Korean couple that runs the shop make a point of being friendly, remember my name, and always laugh at me when I buy cat litter.

3.) King & Jameson No-Frills. Perhaps a little contradictory, I will say that as an adventure seeker this grocery store definitely offers an adrenaline rush. Every trip is complete with an array of crazy, sometimes dirty, and always interesting characters. There are more rolling grocery carts in this store than you will find in the entire city. That being said, it’s always clean and you cannot find a better deal!

4.) Roti-Alley. Have you ever had Roti? I hadn’t before moving to Parkdale. This neighbourhood has more Roti shops that you can shake a stick at. All of them are delicious, authentic and cheap. My favourite? Ali’s West Indian Roti Shop (1446 Queen Street West). Try the chicken!

5.) One Word: Dollarama. They now accept interac. Check it out at 1337 Queen Street West (at Dunn).

6.) With one of the best patio’s in the city, The Rhino is a great place to watch an afternoon (and evening) roll by. It has an excellent view of Queen Street, a friendly crowd, and great food There are 200 different kinds of beer available! Check it out at 1249 Queen Street West (a few streets west of Dufferin).

7.) The Dufferin Gates of The Canadian National Exhibition is located two blocks from my building. Though I’ve lived here for over a year, I hadn't explored the CNE grounds until very recently. A quick jog through the CNE and you’ll find yourself on a wooden sidewalk with a beautiful view of Lake Ontario. There are plenty of picnic benches and green grassy areas to spend an afternoon reading and relaxing. The boardwalk can also be accessed by walking south on Dunn and over the Gardiner Expressway.

8.) Halfway Houses. There are many of them located in Parkdale and I know it’s probably a weird thing to love. I wouldn’t say I love them per se, but they add character and its residents remind me that I’m actually a very lucky person. It’s great to live in a neighbourhood that supports the mentally ill to try and integrate into society. I actually maintain a friendly relationship with some of the people who live in the halfway house across from my building. We wave to each other and they encourage me to incorporate empathy into my life.

9.) Graffiti. If you’re bored and feel like taking a stroll, I can’t think of a better place walk around than Parkdale. There is so much colourful and cool graffiti that you’re sure to be entertained for a good hour. Murals can be found on the sides of buildings pretty much anywhere, but my favourites are between Elm Grove Avenue and Dufferin (along Queen).

10.) The Mansions. There are a ton of huge old houses that use to belong to the wealthy (see intro paragraph). Nowadays, they’ve been split into apartments but maintain their charm. I find it relaxing to stroll up and down the streets to investigate the funky looking houses...

Red Brick Syndrome: A Follow-Up

Do yourself a favour and check this out:







http://www.theonion.com/content/video/fda_approves_depressant_drug_for

Who Really Likes People Anyway?

Sounds mean, doesn’t it. I know! Hear me out though...

Whilst enjoying drinks on a patio this past Saturday night, my friend Megan was discussing all the juicy details of her trip to Africa. The highlight, according to her was a group safari trip in Namibia which was limited to her family and only one other person.

“Only one random lady!” she reported triumphantly. On a trip across the world, what made her most happy was not having to deal with a stranger. In case you were wondering, she was also quite impressed with incredible wildlife, food, and scenery.

Got me thinking though about our quest for solitude in everyday life. Have you ever seen two strangers sitting next to each other if they don’t need to be? Take waiting in the doctor’s office, for example. The minute a seat opens up that does not require sitting directly next to another person – that seat is taken!

Rewind to about two years ago. I was on the “Sotobo” train line in rural Chiba prefecture traveling from the hellish fishing town I taught in to the slightly less desolate capital of Chiba City. Imagine an amazingly unpacked train where at 10 pm in the evening, riders are few and far between. My 45 minute commute habitually turned into a snooze-fest and just before shutting my eyes for some sweet dreaming, a totally normal business man sat directly next to me. There were empty seats aplenty.

Weird? Yes.

Enough to move to another seat? No.

About 20 minutes later I was awoken by a jab to my ribs. Upon opening my eyes I was greeting with my neighbour, pants open, and his itty bitty manly parts exposed for my “viewing pleasure”. Unfortunately for him I yelled very loudly and took my cell phone (complete with a totally adorable Hello Kitty chime, of course!) and attempted to take his picture. He escaped before I snapped his shot – you can imagine it didn’t take long for him to put his itty bitty goods back into his pants. I never did see him again, but the experience reinforced why Megan was happy about her stranger-less safari ride.

Lesson to be learned here is that interaction with the public is not for the faint hearted. And for God’s sake, move to that empty seat!

Observation: Irrational Anger (UPDATED)

Further to my posting, here is another one that makes me irrationally angry.

Have you ever gone to pick a stray hair off of a friends sweater? I once did this to my co-worker Carly, however, the hair was actually still attached to her head. Carly looked like she was ready to punch me and I didn't quite know why. Until it happened to me at which point I became enlightened. Suggestion: slightly tug at the hair to determine its level of commitment to the scalp. If this hair is really a stray, it will come loose with a slight tug.



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Last night I joined my dodgeball team at Central Commerce High School, located in a leafy green and tranquil area of Little Italy. After a fun game of winding, catapulting, dodging, jumping, ricocheting, and all out dodgeball mayhem I was leaving the gym with my friend Esther when I felt a massive blow to my head. A team warming up to play after us and mistakenly had thrown the ball at my head at which point the culprit rushed over and apologised profusely.

The poor guy looked mortified and I could tell that he felt badly. Having just played a game of dodgeball where I had been hit about 100 times this incident shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. A lot. I wanted to head lock him WWF style and plough him straight into the gym wall.

Very irrational and of course I gave him a forced “Bean Smile” (imagine you’ve just eaten a burrito and need to fake a smile – there are no teeth being shown and the smile is awkward and uneven).

I’ve noticed that this irrational response is often evoked when a stranger unknowingly encroaches on my physical space without my knowing.

Other examples that send me into a mental rage:

1.) When someone steps on the back of my sandal as I’m walking. This happened to me once in San Diego and my shoe actually broke. If looks could kill the offender would have died instantaneously.

2.) Person A is walking towards Person B. Person A and B, who are walking at a fair pace and swinging their arms accordingly, knock hands/arms upon passing each other. Pisses me off.

3.) The bus comes to a sudden stop and a lovely lady next to you steps on one of your feet as she tries to steady herself. Once again, the “Bean Smile” is implemented as you assure her “it’s fine”. But it’s not, because you are screaming internally.

4.) This one isn’t physical but induces the same reaction. While chatting happily with a friend at a bar you are snapped out of your conversation by the sensation of sticky, wet, drink dripping of your arm/leg/foot. The Guilty Party gives you the “Bean Smile” while haphazardly looking for a napkin to help you dry off. Two words: F. Off.

Now, I’ll send it back to the readers. Do you have anything you`d like to add to the list of mental rage inducing events?

I’m hoping that all of you have a Mental-Rage free day with zero encounters of random physical invasions on your personal space!

Red Brick Syndrome

My friend Carolyn once told me that she had a case of Red Brick Syndrome (RBS). Apparently, her boyfriend coined the term after noticing how ecstatic she became over the simplest of things. Word on the street was that she was so overjoyed with life that something such as a pile of red bricks would send her into a tailspin of happiness.

As she was my roommate, I started observing her vigilantly for RBS tendencies. Little things like her favourite Mickey Mouse mug, fresh snow, and buses that arrived on time would literally throw her over the edge. Carolyn is now a successful lawyer who despite her hectic schedule, remains abnormally stress free. Though the theory is unproven, I believe that Carolyn's overall level of happiness and lack of stress is due to the astonishing rate at which RBS has presented itself in her life.

I’m not sure when it happened, but RBS also crept into my life. At first it was a flavoursome cup of piping hot coffee, solving a Sudoku, and getting free samples. The initial stages of RBS can be overwhelming as the victim does not know why they’re been chosen to run into such “luck”. As stage II RBS develops the symptoms become more severe; excitement over a perfectly rounded grapefruit, a super delicious bite of chicken shawarma, and the knowledge that Ben Mulroney has a receding hairline.

I want to know if RBS has surfaced in your life – has it?

Sure hope so!

Survival Strategies: Awkward Silences (Amended)

My friend Arun mentioned my list here is too long. I've shortened it for your reading pleasure.

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Thanks all, for your feedback regarding yesterday’s posting on awkward silences.
Here are some of the suggestions that came back to me:

Elevator
1.) Post a daily poem in the elevator for discussion (Tiffany)
2.) Engage in a stretching session (Alison)
3.) Take the stairs (Sherry)

Hallway
4.) Perform a Dolly Parton song (Alison)
5.) Pass the time with a staring contest (Alicia)
6.) Conduct a game of “Marco Polo” (Jacqueline)

Also, thank you Sherry Young for sending me this comprehensive list on dealing with elevator awkwardness. I am a fan of # 20.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14. One word: Flatulence!

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

29. Leave a box between the doors.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

41. Bring a chair along.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Observation: Awkward Silences

I started a new job in September with a fantastic company and wonderful co-workers. The environment is one in which scooters are welcomed indoors, politically incorrect conversations (including lunch time discussions on nipple yeast, stomach inconsistencies, and eyebrow manicuring techniques) are commonplace. What a wonderful way to continue The Year of Heather!

Nothing, however, is perfect as you know. Shortly after starting my new job I discovered one of my biggest fears had been realised – and on a daily basis no less.

A plethora of awkward silences.

I don’t attribute this to my lovely and boisterous co-workers. It’s more of a layout problem combined with “technical difficulties”.

Firstly, the elevator used to transport me each day to the 4th floor where my desk is located is without a doubt, the slowest moving mechanical device in the Western hemisphere. Here are some of the things I’ve overheard about the office elevator:

1.) It is powered by hand dyer.
2.) Gnomes are actually living in the elevator shaft. It is they who manually pull the cables.
3.) Eco-friendliness has taken over the building and the elevator moves with the help of solar power.
4.) A fella from the office we share our floor with once stated that there are men who shovel coal into a furnace (as seen in the move “Titanic”) which is why it moves so slowly.

You get the picture.

What this means is, you are stuck in a mandatory 5 minute awkward-fest in an enclosed space with people you know, and some that you don’t. As we creep from floor to floor, elevator patrons, trying to find some way of breaking the awkward silence make jokes about who will climb through the elevator ceiling to free us with a crow bar should it get stuck. That little diddy only takes 1 floor – we have 3 more to go!! Next on the agenda is a polite inquiry into evening or weekend plans as we pretend to care while subtly checking the monitor for an update on our vertical coordinates. Once the conversation finally peters out the silence finally takes over. People check their cell phones, toy with their building passes, and stare intently at their shoes. FINALLY! We’ve arrived at the 4th floor. Sweet Sweet Glory!

But it’s not over yet. What about those extraordinarily long hallways? The one in my office spans the entire length of a football field.

Making your way in the world today, takes everything you got. Or at least it will get you to the washroom in one piece. You see a co-worker all the way at the other end of the hall. Do you acknowledge the person right away with a wave? Seems polite enough. The only problem is you have now locked yourself into a 30 second staring contest until person A and B have passed each other in the hallway (of course, at the moment of passing you must engage in a second greeting).

I’ve noticed some people take the oblivious route. They purposefully avoid eye contact, swiftly moving on a mission. Upon passing, person A will suddenly look up surprised – they “didn’t hear you coming”! Hello! How’s it going! Plastic Smile! AWKWARD!

I would love to hear what you, the readers, do in such situations. Maybe together we can find a way to overcome this epidemic of awkwardness. At the very least we can take comfort in knowing we suffer together wishing in such situations to be alone!

Observation # 1: Phone Messages

Who ever sounds cool while leaving a phone message? Not me, that's for sure. I just left my dentist a message that will have her wondering if she really wants me to EVER reschedule the appointment I just cancelled. Frankly, I don't blame her.

Leaving messages is not something I enjoy doing. Firstly, have you ever listened to a message you've left someone? It's horrific. I personally sound like a 50 year old truck driver from Oklahoma. There is also a pitch and voice control problem going on.

Here are some other phone related issues I've notice:

A.) The Rambler. These people have no real point in mind which is why they leave a peppy, friendly, and completely nonsensical message. When their voicemail comes to a close you're absolutely uncertain of the bottom line. Do they want to have salmon for dinner or am I suppose to call back with the TTC website?!

B.) The "In-Transit". These goons are cutting out left, right, and centre. I have a friend who likes to take advantage of the 1 minute above ground stretch on the Bloor-Danforth subway line between Castle Frank and Broadview. Good grief. I mean, don't start telling me juicy gossip when there is a 60 second window! Other "In-Transit" related problems; low talkers (they don't want people listening...then don't call from the bus), and lost travelers (not paying attention because they're fearful for their life after mysteriously finding themselves in the midst of Regent Park).

C.) The Rehearsal-King. Come on...did you write your message down to appear calm and collected? I'm onto you Rehearsal-King.

D.) The Mind Reader. Or at least, that's who they think we are. This person doesn't leave their name or number. If they do leave their number it's the same speed as the man from the Micro Machine commercial and you end up having to re-play the darn voicemail 8 times.

Toot toot!