Exit Strategies

 

You're at a party and it's a little after 2 am. Instead of watching your friends in the midst of a drunken game of Twister, the only thing on your mind (okay, my mind) is waking early enough to catch the Coronation Street marathon in the morning.

"". In order of appearance, I would like to thank the following Brunch Buddies: Evan, Krista, Jenn, and Margaret. Your input was most invaluable.

 

The Sneak and Go

Usually this one only works if the majority of guests and hosts are drunk and no longer paying attention. They won't remember what time you left the next day anyway. It involves, literally, sneaking out the door.

You can tell if the party is prime for The Sneak and Go by monitoring the activities of party attendants. If any of the following activities are taking place, you're safe to perform The Sneak and Go.

• The CD player is no longer easy for people to use
  
• There is no toilet paper in the bathroom, yet people keep going in and using the toilet without exiting in alarm
  
• Your host is sleeping on a coach, bed, or closet
  
• There are thumb wrestling contests taking place
  

If none of the above is taking place, you're best to go with.....

 

The Ease and Go

If simply leaving is not an option, The Brunch Buddies suggest a trip to the washroom breaks up the abruptness of leaving straight from the couch. Excusing yourself and making a trip to the washroom (there should be toilet paper still available) allows guests to adjust to you no longer being in the mix. Once you return to the scene and announce you'll be heading out, it's not as much of a shock.

 

The Follow The Leader

The Follow The Leader is used in 99.9% of cases by males. Men often allow their ladies to make the excruciating good-bye rounds. Once she is at the door with her coat on and purse in hand he creeps along the wall and joins. He elevates his hand as if to say "see ya", nods his head while simultaneously pivoting and heading out the door. A true classic, you can see The Follow The Leader at parties near you.

 

The Dunan-J Cat

Inspired by Brunch Buddy, Krista, The Duncan-J Cat is a strategy which can be employed by animal and/or kid owers. In Krista's case, she uses this very true excuse of having to leave to administer her kitty, Duncan J. Cat his diabetes medication. The Duncan-J Cat can be extended to those with kids and need to get home to the babysitter. If using an animal as a decoy, I would recommend having a picture of your fuzzy friend to rally guests to support your departure. No one wants a sick cat without his meds!

 

The Honest Assholes

This is the sort of exit strategy used by people like Donald Trump, who simply do not care if they are perceived as an asshole. This yahoo gets up and announces he/she
is leaving. If you choose to use The Honest Asshole, be prepared for a backlash.

 

The Mass Exodus

Usually implemented during a sit down dinner party where guests are all anxiously waiting for someone else to make the first move. Once the first brave soul employs one of the strategies above, everyone else joins in and the group moves in union out the door. The Mass Exodus should only be used in civilized events where the night has truly run its course.

 

The Park & Fly

A lovely and legitimate excuse, The Park & Fly can only be used during the day when you must depart in order to avoid getting a parking ticket. Suggested uses: coffee dates and lunches.

 

If you are trying to coordinate your departure with another guest you can use the following techniques to communicate your readiness to leave:

• Visual Cues; bulging eyes
  
• Physical Cues; nudging, knee knocking, outstretched neck, scratching of the chin, etc
  
• Verbal Cues; code phrases
  

 

I hope these strategies help you successfully exit your next party with ease and finesse. As always, your feedback is appreciated!