Observation: Awkward Silences

I started a new job in September with a fantastic company and wonderful co-workers. The environment is one in which scooters are welcomed indoors, politically incorrect conversations (including lunch time discussions on nipple yeast, stomach inconsistencies, and eyebrow manicuring techniques) are commonplace. What a wonderful way to continue The Year of Heather!

Nothing, however, is perfect as you know. Shortly after starting my new job I discovered one of my biggest fears had been realised – and on a daily basis no less.

A plethora of awkward silences.

I don’t attribute this to my lovely and boisterous co-workers. It’s more of a layout problem combined with “technical difficulties”.

Firstly, the elevator used to transport me each day to the 4th floor where my desk is located is without a doubt, the slowest moving mechanical device in the Western hemisphere. Here are some of the things I’ve overheard about the office elevator:

1.) It is powered by hand dyer.
2.) Gnomes are actually living in the elevator shaft. It is they who manually pull the cables.
3.) Eco-friendliness has taken over the building and the elevator moves with the help of solar power.
4.) A fella from the office we share our floor with once stated that there are men who shovel coal into a furnace (as seen in the move “Titanic”) which is why it moves so slowly.

You get the picture.

What this means is, you are stuck in a mandatory 5 minute awkward-fest in an enclosed space with people you know, and some that you don’t. As we creep from floor to floor, elevator patrons, trying to find some way of breaking the awkward silence make jokes about who will climb through the elevator ceiling to free us with a crow bar should it get stuck. That little diddy only takes 1 floor – we have 3 more to go!! Next on the agenda is a polite inquiry into evening or weekend plans as we pretend to care while subtly checking the monitor for an update on our vertical coordinates. Once the conversation finally peters out the silence finally takes over. People check their cell phones, toy with their building passes, and stare intently at their shoes. FINALLY! We’ve arrived at the 4th floor. Sweet Sweet Glory!

But it’s not over yet. What about those extraordinarily long hallways? The one in my office spans the entire length of a football field.

Making your way in the world today, takes everything you got. Or at least it will get you to the washroom in one piece. You see a co-worker all the way at the other end of the hall. Do you acknowledge the person right away with a wave? Seems polite enough. The only problem is you have now locked yourself into a 30 second staring contest until person A and B have passed each other in the hallway (of course, at the moment of passing you must engage in a second greeting).

I’ve noticed some people take the oblivious route. They purposefully avoid eye contact, swiftly moving on a mission. Upon passing, person A will suddenly look up surprised – they “didn’t hear you coming”! Hello! How’s it going! Plastic Smile! AWKWARD!

I would love to hear what you, the readers, do in such situations. Maybe together we can find a way to overcome this epidemic of awkwardness. At the very least we can take comfort in knowing we suffer together wishing in such situations to be alone!